thin slicing

you didnt value me enough to just drift along. either that, or you thought it was okay to drift along despite knowing my feelings were involved. if you say you didn't realize there were feelings involved, then you think too little of me by trivializing me. i'm not that kind of girl. if you're thinking that am taking things too seriously, agai, you're mistaken if you think am not the serious kinda girl. i consider nothing other than serious. either way, drifting along is not an acceptable gameplan. maybe tht would work for casual flings. but i am neither a casual girlnor a girl who does flings. my walls and boundaries were set in place to protect me from men like you. a lot of good that did me. i let down my guard and allowed you to affect me. my mistake.

boundaries

dear **,

am writing this now, maybe to prove a point, that this is how things were at this time. i don't know. maybe i'm hopeful that at some point, there will no longer be any boundaries and you'll eventually read this.

but things are the way they are now, and so the boundaries are essential.

kanina, ang dami kong gustong sabihin, pero now, i can't think of anything to say.

let me just say again, that i had a lot of fun. and that i'm sad that the boundaries exist, and am also sad that the boundaries (ironically) are the only things that allow me to continue as if nothing happened.

i also want to say that i'm sad i'll miss your birthday, and your speech on tuesday as you tell the staff about the bonuses. :) i actually enjoy watching how loved your are by the staff.

i know,i should tell you this kasi sometimes, you just need to hear it. but the darn boundaries...

i dont know what it is about me that got your attention. maybe because i'm DOM attractive?!?!? (hahaha... yes, there is a 12 year age gap, but i'm kidding. the gap isn't that bad. not like balls...:) ) or maybe because i'm a good lawyer? either way, i honestly think i'm not much of a standout. so whatever it is that you like about me,thank god for that.:)

i guess i also want to say thank you. ang dami mo na talagang naibigay sakin. it was more than enough that you gave me all these opportunities. the opportunity to be relevant. the opportunity to bring out my inner CEO (hehehe...this is where my hea/cos tendencies come from). the opportunity to develope a good reputation with the clients i'm handling. the opportunity to provide well for my kids.

dun pa lang sa mga iyon, i'm super super super grateful. pero dinagdagan mo pa.

even the void left by a bad marriage, you filled up. well, maybe not competely, pero whatever void remains in that part of my life is because of the boundaries i myself set up.

alam mo, it had been ages since i felt like this. appreciated. wanted. its a good feeling that i almost forgot about. thanks for reminding me.

since this is a blog,on a page you'll never see, and the likelihood that you'll ever get to read it is small, even nil, i'll go all out.

i'm scared that despite the boundaries i've so carefully set up, i'm scared that i'll fall in love with you. and the way things are going, its impossible that i don't. i'm just banking on my own inner strength to keep the boundaries up.

when you said you wanted to kiss me, ako din.but i had too little margaritas to not be self concious. so, my thinking self won out. but until the last minutes, when we went driving, i was hoping that the opportunity would present itself. but it didn't. so i text you about "another time" hoping that there will be other times.

you're so sayang **.years too late. i think, if you and me were an option, we'd be very happy. too bad. *sigh*(** style) too bad. how sayang.