21 August 2008

me: there used to be a text from you right when i wake up. now, no na. :( meds?

7:24 am
I was planning to text you 7:30 am. ayoko manggising. meds done. middle of meeting. started 7am.

me: sorry. won't bother you na.

7:25 am
love you. call you after meeting. don't be tampo.

7:30 am
hello. love you. call you after meeting. don't be tampo.

me: ok

10:18 am
hello

me: hi. what you doing?

10:46 am
*ws* board. ikaw?

me: thank you for texting me. oops! you didn't pala. :)

me: i miss you b***. i love you. i'm glad i have you. i wish we were more. i hope you never tire of me.

1:41 pm
i'll call in a bit

me: are you going to sit in the **c board pa? what happened to that plan?

2:11 pm
tuloy pero awaiting developments pa

me: you said you had a 3pm. but that wasn't in your sched that you text last night.

3:33 pm
where are you?

me: on my way to pick up javi. i'm almost 45mins late. you?

3:35 pm
fridays at fort

me: doing what?

3:36 pm
meeting re: ***** airport

me: ok. not in your text last night.

3:38 pm
just set this am

me: thanks for texting me about it. ay, you didn't pala. :)

5:04 pm
in front of la salle

me: ok. where will we meet?

5:05 pm
2nd floor, stores that download videos

me: ok.

6:32 pm
thank you and i am sorry. nag change of plans sila eh

me: i understand the need to be dutiful and acknowledge that i am the one who needs to step back. but am a person. not an ornament. i didn't feel respected. despite the fact that what i am is not respectable, i do expect you to treat me with respec. after all,we're in this together. i am not tampo because that's not what i feel. i do not appreciate what happened. have not analyzed things yet so i don't want to discuss.

6:46 pm
yes, you are right. it was disrespectful of me. i am sorry. i know i hurt you, now it hurts here at my end. sorry for causing this. inadequacies are piling up.

me: i felt like a total panakip butas. i'd like to think am not a difficult person. but let me say this, i think that this is the first time i genuinely felt like crying because of why you did

me: as in umiinit yun mata ko and nagsasara lalamunan ko.

7:32 pm
i call you princess but i on't treat you like one. sorry.

me: i will not disagree. you used to. not today.

7:33 pm
i say i love you but discarded you today and took you for grantd. sorry.

me: yes you did. i don't like feeling discarded. that's how my husband treated me. i honestly didn't think you'd make me feel that way.

7:34 pm
i say i miss you but i don't show it and i don't make time for you. sorry.

7:35 pm
i say i value you but i was not totally honest with you. sorry.

me: you put a lot of thought into your texts. :) making me feel a bit better.

7:37 pm
i say i will be different but today i am no different from him. sorry.

7:38 pm
i promisd before i will not make you cry, but today you did because of me. sorry.

me: ok,**. how can i not forgive someone who text me all those.

7:39 pm
right now what i have texted are all words...

7:41 pm
hopefully, if you still believe in me tomorrow, things will be better and different. don't give up on me . again, i am sorry *ut*a

7:51 pm
now till i change for real, i will not call you princess, i will not say i love you, i will not claim to miss you, i will not say i will not hurt you, i will not make promises. rest assured it will only be a matter of time.

7:54 pm
ok. you got my earlier text

me: yes. now lang i read it. clean slate is good. i think this thing we had moved too fast for a while. maybe this is how it self corrects. we're going back to being friends? and you go back to ligaw mode?

8:01 pm
hello. 8am manila hotel ****. 10am diamond hotel ***. 11:30 am powerplant *** concern with nueva ecija. 2pm class. then movie with sila. haha

me: ok

8:04 pm
may i ask what are you doing and where are you?

me: on my way to pic up mariel. going to the wake

8:07 pm
ok. ingat

8:24 pm
i ate max fried chicken

me: not good.

8:25 pm
i know. sorry **. will take meds na

me: but you knew you were going to order that. it was a conscious choice

8:27 pm
:)

8:51 pm
have you taken your dinner?

me: nope.

8:53 pm
ok

8:55 pm
what time will you eat?

me: in a bit. will have dinner with mariel.

8:57 pm
ok. sorry again

m: ok. just remember what you text earlier and make good on it.

8:59 pm
yes **ty*

9:54 pm
have you eaten?

11:08 pm
where are you? what time are you going home?

me: was just about to text you that am home na.

11:10 pm
did you go to wake

me: yes. with mariel. we had dinner after. was supposed to go to a friend's birthday but late na.

11:13 pm
what are you doing?

me: eating the fruits that javi asked for but wouldn't eat. why aren't you asleep yet?

11:15 pm
waiting for you to get home

me: :) sleep na. you have an early day tomorrow

11:19 pm
couldn't sleep pa eh

me: why?

11:20 pm
thinking of what happened

me: hmmm... what was the occassion today ba?

11:23 pm
the day i made **ty* cry

me: ya. hmmmm. but that's not what i meant. why did you have to be home.

11:27 pm
they wanted to have dinner. dapat hindi sila uwi early.

me: you should have said so.

11:29 pm
i should have

me: thing is, if that happened to me, i would've reacted differently. all i know is that i would not have dropped you as quickly. i know i signed up for this job, 2nd fiddle, but i didn't reaize it meant being 2nd class. am sorry. but i am not sure i can deal with that.

11:43 pm
yes, i treated you 2nd lcass. realized that. i'm sorry. masakit for me to realize i treated you like that.

me: don't be sorry., just shows how much you love your family. i just overestimated how you felt about me. again, i should know my place. now i do. and will adjust my expectations accordingly.

me: meds?

11:52 pm
done. salamat for the reminder. don't know what to reply to your last text

me: if there's nothing you want to say, you don't have to say anything. you should sleep. its late and you have an early day tomorrow.

11:55 pm
sige, i won't bug you na. i will try to sleep na. baka lang it may take a while. night. again, sorry. you deserve more.

me: goodnight.

me: i don't know if i deserve more. but i do think i deserve to be treated better.

12:36 am
yes you do

me: i'm sorry **. i wish i could sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn't bother me until it actually stops bothering me. but its hard to ignore. i really feel bad. maybe am hormonal. but am having a hard time dealing with what this all means. i can do with a 2nd place finish. but i cannot accept 2nd class. no matter how imnportant you are to me. that was my condition to myself. 2nd place, but only becuase i was born 12years late. i had to believe i was your should've been but today, i saw that i am not. and its killing me.

3:31 am
again, i'm very sorry