hypothetical

Dear **r*,

2 months and some odd days down the road, boundaries have indeed been broken. things have progressed way beyond the point i thought it would. largely because of your very expensive (at least 30K worth) ligaw mode. that was some week. you made me smile, and really gave me reason to smile, to want to smile, even if i was in a different country all together.

in hindsight, the things i said the last night before i left for manila, i was thinking WAY too far ahead. but you know what, they're still the same concerns i have now. time hasn't eliminated those issues, in fact, they're now more relevant because what we have has progressed so much.

boundaries. yes. they've been breached. as a testament to that, i haven't been thinking of boundaries since i last wrote you. in fact, boundaries have been renamed to "issues." informally, we've agreed that boundaries, save for one, are no longer there. and that final boundary, well, that's the main "issue."

early on, on sake night, you told me you loved me. hmm... then, i thought, TALAGA?? ANG TANDA TANDA MO NA to be spewing out that word like it means nothing. i had my doubts. in fact,i had my doubts you knew what the real "issue" was until last night. when you spelled it out, "how can you love me when you shouldn't." so there it is. the issue. the statement i've been struggling with. a condensed version of all i feel. the irony that is. the sum of all i feel. how can you love me when you know you shouldn't? how can i possibly love you when i know this can't be?!?

but you know what, regardless of whether you love me in the sense i understand the word, or in the shallow sense i suspect you do, fact is, i have fallen in love with you. and yes, I LOVE YOU.

*sigh* so there. i said it. even if its just to myself, in a blog no one will ever read.

i have not changed my image of you. you are still the great "sayang" in my life. the man i ought to have married, had we been born nearer in time. hahaha... when you got married, i was only 16, in 1st year high school. i would've wanted to say, i do want to say, sana hinintay mo ako. sana nga. we would've met, fallen in love, and who knows.

yes, yes. its such a wide eyed littl girl look i get when i think about the hypothetical. but the hypothetical is just too provocative. let me indulge for a while.

if we were together, if we could be together, i think we'd be happy. we'd have our issues, but i think there would be a real chance of having one of those deliriously happy marriages with you. yes, there will be hiccups. but in the end, we'd be happy.

on the shallow side, i think we'd make a great couple. i'd make a perfect evita to your juan. hmmm... every great politico needs a beautiful woman (hehehe) on his arm. the perfect accessory. no, i am not demeaning myself. i just think that i would be the perfect complement to you.

you and i have induled in snippets of the hypothetical. what i'd do if you had a particularly bad day and i'd like to make you feel better. or, essentially, what we'd do if we shared a home, and it was me you were coming home to, and it was you who was coming home to me. yes. delicious thoughts. but not in a fobidden way, but in a longing way. at least for me. longing for that kind of happiness. the kind i never really had, and am doomed never to have. :( yes, reality check. you come home to someone else, and well, someone shares my home. i can't say he comes home to me. in truth, we just share a roof.

*r*, i like you. in the friendship sense. i like talking to you. i like being your sounding board. yes, i get inis when you talk sometimes. but that's what's so great about how i feel. its real. you are not some perfect man. naiinis din ako sa iyo. nakokornihan din ako. nababaduyan din ako with some of the things you say. but the overrriding feeling is, i like you. super super a lot.

and yes, i do love you. in a way i thought i'd never feel again. i a true, "forever" way. the biggest irony of "us" is that, i can see myself grow old with you. but the issue remains. so that is so not on the table. but oh, how i wish it were. delicious thought. enough to keep me busog.

i love you **r*. so much, i'm bursting, in large part because i can never tell you that i do. to verbalize it, well, i can't handle that. so i'l just tell you that i do, here, where you can never see it. i love you bert. grabe. i miss you constantly. i think about you constantly. when i wake up, before i sleep. when i'm working. constantly. i yearn to make what i have with you complete. i want to have a "public" aspect to us. which is why i've been lately obsessed with eating in public, and shopping. i guess i want people to know and see that i'm happy, with this man, you. i want the socil acceptability of what we have. gosh, that's your proverbial "suntok sa buwan". but still, i want people to accept it. but paano? not unless you erase the last 18 years of your life, and i'll erase the last 9 years of mine.

i love you bert. i hope that at some point, i'll be able to tell you how much i do. i hope that i'll be able to tell you i love you, because the issue has been overcome. what an awful thought. but delicious nonetheless.