ako kasi

dear sd,

what a week huh? aside from the disappointment of finding out you might not be the one for ***, i had the additional disappointment of finding out that you might not be the one for me.

today, i forced you to confront issues you've stashed at the back of your mind. you say you think about these issues constantly. but i don't believe you.

i'm sad. because i saw myself through your eyes.

i don't think you don't love me. i think you mean everything you tell me. i think you mean it everytime. but i'm back to my original fear. that what love is to you, is not the same as what love is to me. that for you, love is just a feeling. or, at the very least, the love you feel for me is for now, without commitment. sure, all the things you mentioned in your matrix: love, communication, sharing, exclusivity (to a limited extent for you), the physical, we have all of that. but the commitment part, well.

you cannot commit to me because in your mind, you cannot commit to 2. you can love 2, you can sleep with 2, but you cannot commit to 2. sadly for me, it is commitment which defines love, which separates it from lust. that one thing you cannot give, is that one thing without which this will not work for me. the deal breaker.

you cried on me today. cried at the thought i'd choose 1. cried like i died. why? because you were guilty? because confronted with the hurt you're dishing out, the answer became obvious? because confronted with yourself, you didn't like what you saw? because, for all your "being a girl," when it comes to this, you are all man.

my eternal misfortune. loving men who cannot love me back. you are in love with me. but i don't think you love me the way i want to be loved. without commitment, without even the promise forever, what can i hope for?

i took it back. you took it back. we cant be a 1 just yet. we're not ready. i'm not ready. not when you're going through a difficult time. i cannot dump more $h!t on you when the sky seems to be falling. but i cannot keep this up. i cannot continue with your wishful thinking about forever that you cannot even promise me.

i was wiling sd, willing to be your no. 2 ad infinitum. to be second fiddle. to step aside when you need to be dutiful. do you realize how important you've become to me for me to even consider that? for me to be willing to step down a notch, if that's the only way i can be with you? gosh, you have no idea how painful that is for me. to want you so bad i'd do that to myself. hah. but even that, you would nt promise.

this is not a "ikaw kasi" speech. this is a, "ako kasi" speech. ako kasi, ang bilis kong nahulog. ako kasi, ang bilis kong naniwala. ako kasi, ang bilis kong umasa. ako kasi, ang bilis kong mangarap.

you know what, i'm not dissing what we have. i'm very very very happy right now. but i cant be truly happy knowing that i'm 2nd fiddle na nga, temporary co-terminus pa. sucks eggs. at least si dep, no.2 nga, pero may security of tenure naman. ako...

again, this is not a blame game. this is just an assessment of what i have now (or what i obviously don't have), and feeling sorry for myself.

i cannot feel sorry for myself for long. the longer i pin my hopes on a man who cannot give me what i need, (forget what i want), the longer i'll be cheating myself out of a real chance for happiness. ako kasi eh. ang tanga tanga ko talaga.