talo kita

I don’t know why you need to be told that I’m here for you. Isn’t that a given by now? hello?!

I was here for you, even before all of this started. As your ***, as your friend, I was already here for you, no matter how things went down. Now pa?

Telling you I love you is not really easy for me. I have issues. But if you doubt the depth of my feelings, it's because ako din, I’m afraid to confront how I feel.
You know what, you once mentioned that if this all ends, you’ll be more affected that I would be. I don’t think so. Track record pa lang… :)

And my getting hurt, I think, is inevitable. The more I get to know you, the more I like you. The more I like you, the bolder I am asking questions that are taboo. The more taboo questions I ask, the more I get to know you. And the cycle continues. Taboo questions also show me the other side of you that previously was hidden from view. The side which concerns her.

This topic, is particularly difficult for me. hindi ako bastos na tao. I can see that you love and respect her. And in a morally twisted sense, you honor your vows. And dahil nga hindi ako bastos na tao, and in a really really morally twisted sense, I respect her for it? Which is why it's easy for me to step back when you need to be dutiful. In what is again, a really really twisted morality, I am respectful that way.

But make no mistake, it kills me.

Marunong din akong lumugar, ****. alam ko kung sino ako at saan ang lugar ko. Which is why its difficult to be demanding. to ask for things. To accept gifts. not so much the cost, but the thought that it is not my place to ask for these things, or to take them when given. Ako pa? i’m the queen of sheba. In my mind, I ought to be the center of my man’s universe. The end all and be all of his existence. which is why you, you are especially difficult to deal with.

Everytime you ask me to tell you I love you, for me, its not as simple as composing a text, or uttering three words. Not simple at all. For me, everything is deliberate and full of meaning. Nothing is ever surplusage. Ironic since I’m the one with the kilometric texts and emails. But words for me are precise. And when I say I love you, hindi ganun kasimple yun. Madaming laman yun. An entire universe of feelings, issues, images and emotions. And "I love you" for me is the whole shebang.

You want me to tell you I love you because you want to know how I feel? I’ll do you one better. I’ll let you read my “ako kasi” letter. One among the many letters in my blog devoted to you. you read this, and if you’re not convinced of the depth of how I feel, or if you still doubt who feels more than who, then well, it’s you're failure to communicate to me how you feel about me. but based on what I’ve seen and heard, talo kita.