no knight in shining armor

I just sent you a message telling you about my about reconciling the temporariness of the situation, with the permanence I associate with how I feel towards you. And your reply just underlined the impermanence of the situation and alluded to some god given mission? Which you identified as to make me happy? You’re right. I don’t need help. Last time I decided yes, I’ll rely on this person, I was sorely disappointed. Since then, I’ve only relied on myself. You are where you are in my life because I let you in. because you were at the right place, at the right time, with the right qualities.

I don’t need saving. The decisions I made, I would have made with, or without you. Now, or eventually. It was all coming to that naman eh. Sure, having you made the decision easier. Practically eliminated the pain associated with breaking up with someone you’ve been with for half your life. I don’t want to belittle what I had with my husband. He was the love of my life. We were young together. We grew up together. But at some point, we grew apart. As all couples do. but we didn’t survive it because only one of us wanted to bridge the gap. Hence, all this.

You, I’ve always maintained, are in a different category altogether. Iba. But my hero, my savior? No. I didn’t think that. More like, crap, “ganito dapat pinili ko.” My great should have,could have been. You are not my knight in shining armor. Because I am not a damsel-in-distress. I told you all this before. I am a damsel, I am in distress, but I can save myself. Think of me as princess Fiona of shrek, not sleeping beauty.

I am upset at your text because it came across to me that you thought I needed saving. Yes. I do need saving. But I’m the only one who ought to do the saving.

I really appreciate your concern for me and my children. It breaks my heart when I see how much ***** respects you. He knows and sees how *** treats me. its good that he looks up to someone. And I’m glad he looks up to you.

But you can’t save me and my kids. You have to go save yourself first.

But even if the world were different, and you could really save me, I would rather not. I’d rather choose to be with you after I’ve saved myself.

I don’t want to be a missing piece of a whole. I want to be whole myself, and be with someone who is whole also.

I don’t want to fight you. But I just want to clarify who you are to me.

You are NOT my knight in shining armor. I am not in a castle tower waiting to throw down my hair or something.

Think of me as the queen of a neighboring kingdom who just threw out her king. I don’t want to go down the road of Elizabeth, the virgin queen. I’d like a king at some point. But if he doesn’t come, then I’ll be fine.